Devil or fallen angel?

Can an obnoxious pre-teen teach leadership? Meet Matt!

Matt

Out of the group of 15 pre-teen boys in my cabin for the week, Matt* was the worst. He challenged me every day. He ignored curfew. He instigated trouble with the other kids. He was laser-focused on my every insecurity, and pressed those buttons with glee and joy! He was, quite frankly, the most difficult young man I had ever had the displeasure of working with. When he and the other boys left for home, I wiped the dust off of my feet and thanked God I would never see him again! Thus began my first experience as a camp counselor at the Camp of the Rising Son.

Context Helps

Relaxing with fellow camp counselors before the next batch of kids arrived, I regaled them with the tales of Matt. I described his abysmal character. I cursed his children and his children's children. I painted a picture of the devil himself incarnated in the body of a twelve-year old boy. I worked myself into a lather portraying his wayward and depraved soul! In the midst of my heated diatribe, a fellow counselor said, "You know his parents are getting a divorce, right? And it's a really nasty one, too." And my belligerence and self-righteousness dissipated in an instance.

As a matter of fact, I did not know that about Matt. As it happens, I simply took him at face value without attempting to understand what lay behind his actions. Not once did I ask about his home life. Not once did I ask about what he was feeling or thinking. Not once did I attempt to help him sort out his own emotions or thoughts. Not once did I help him to experience ... life. Instead, I sent him home a seething mess of hurt and pain.

Lessons Learned

I've kept Matt with me in every leadership opportunity since, using that memory as a catalyst for leading with life in view. In my work with teens, Airmen, and others, I try to ensure I do the following:

1. Hear their story;

2. Find some common ground;

3. Build a rapport that allows me to ask the hard questions, such as:

   1. "Why do you feel that way?"

   2. "When you say, '...,' what does that really mean?"

   3. "How does that experience impact your life now?"

   4. "When you do such-and-such, what is behind that?"

4. Help them often to see a better and more life-giving way forward.

Reflect

1. Who or what has been your catalyst for life-giving leadership?

2. Whom do you carry with you as a reminder that people are often reacting out of their own burdens and pain?

3. What is a time you led with life in view?

4. What is a time you led towards death?

*Matt is not his real name.