It's Lonely at the Top
"Across many measures, Americans appear to be becoming less socially connected over time" (Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation, p. 12). With this statement, the then U.S. Surgeon General, Dr. Vivek Murthy, highlighted what he felt was a disturbing trend in American society--an epidemic of loneliness and isolation. Nowhere is this aloneness more evident than in the ranks of senior leadership. Many years before I became a Wing Chaplain (in charge of a team of 10 and leading the spiritual fitness programs for a base of over 15, 000 people), my Wing Chaplain gave me some very sage advice: "Kraig, the three loneliest people on a military base tend to be the Commander, the senior Legal Officer, and the Wing Chaplain." I have found that to be very true. I maintain that no one is more socially disconnected than senior leaders. Why is this? I believe there are at least five reasons:
The weight of having the ultimate responsibility for those in the organization;
The very real danger of getting too close and then failing at discipline and accountability (see #1);
Subordinates keeping you in the dark and feeding you manure (like a mushroom);
Believing your own press;
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So What?
Dr. Murthy's advisory lists a myriad of ways that this isolation is deadly--"... it harms both individual and societal health. It is associated with a greater risk of cardiovascular disease, dementia, stroke, depression, anxiety, and premature death" (p. 4). More than just a physical health issue, this lack of connection is deadly to relationships, to faith, and to self.
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What's the Vision?
The antidote to this epidemic lies in a solid community. Jesus, in the Christian Scriptures, gives us a very clear view of the layers of community. First, Jesus had a regular following of 70+ people. This group followed Him, listened to Him, and supported Him from afar. They were close enough to provide the ebb and flow of fresh thoughts and energy into the group. This group had a much looser connection with Jesus, but still provided that sense of belonging to something much bigger. This is important for all of us, and senior leaders often have that in spades. Second, Jesus had a group of 12 who followed Him, lived with Him, ate with Him, etc. This is about the right size for investment and a crossflow of ideas. It's a small enough group for closeness and intimacy and investment, and large enough to provide the synergy needed for change to happen. Finally, Jesus had a core group of 3. These are the ones He invested in most deeply and allowed to see Him most clearly. Peter, for instance, felt close enough to criticize Jesus. These are the ones He groomed for leadership in His coming organization, but also the ones He connected with most deeply. Following this model, it is recommended that senior leaders have a community with the same layers: 3, 12, and 70+.
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How Do We Get There?
Building community, however, is not an easy task. In fact, I believe it becomes more difficult with age. However, there are a few methods for building community that we can each use to create some community.
Seek common interests. I have a friend who invites people over for cigars and a drink. Other friends bond over sports events, children's activities, or church groups. Personally, I bond over food .... Ask the questions that uncover common interests, and begin to build the community from those.
Invite people into your space. Letting people into your home, your office, your personal space opens them up to sharing their personal space with you. It provides a sense of what is important to you and what is unique about you and allows them the opportunity to connect from there. Walk into my house, and you will immediately see BOOKS! Step in a little further and you will find a wooden phone booth from a 1960s Detroit transportation station (yes, with a working, rotary dial phone!). Those two things alone provoke conversation and community.
Be vulnerable. True community comes when you are willing to open up about your struggles, fears, dreams, and hopes. Find that safe place and allow yourself to be ... YOU.
Try, try, and try again. Finding community is much fishing. Sometimes, the effort produces nothing but lost resources and wasted time; at other times, the effort finds a little bit of community, but it doesn't last long; and then there are the prize finds, where lifelong friends are built into the foundation of your life. To be honest, it becomes a little fatiguing, because many people do not return the effort. Nonetheless, as the old proverb says, "He who would catch a fish must not mind getting wet."
Source:
Office of the Surgeon General (OSG). Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation: The U.S. Surgeon General’s Advisory on the Healing Effects of Social Connection and Community [Internet]. Washington (DC): US Department of Health and Human Services; 2023–. PMID: 37792968
