Tell me you're an American without telling me ...

The 'Ugly American'

I have a German degree and am still fairly fluent; nevertheless, I broke a cardinal rule of German culture. I dared to ask a man, "Wie geht es Ihnen?" Why was he so offended at asking, "How are you?" The truth is, most Germans find this kind of question deeply intrusive and offensive, and he laid into me for about five minutes about the rudeness of this question and how Germans don't ask such personal questions of people they have just met! This aspect of American culture is often labeled "shallow" and "insincere," and I can't say that is a gross mischaracterization IF one doesn't understand that "How are you doing?" is a greeting and not an actual question of interest in American culture.

 This was brought home during my deployment to Afghanistan from Germany. I was having a bad day. I was cranky; I was tired; I was just generally in the dumps. Honestly, there was no great reason; this was simply my state of mind. While aimlessly walking from my quarters, a Chief Master Sergeant came from the other direction.

CMSgt--"How's it going, Chaplain?"

Me--"I'm not doing that well, Chief, I'm having a rouggggggggggg ...". My voice trailed off as he continued walking, never having heard my response.

Ironically, this happened not once, but TWICE that same day! I found it funny, especially in light of my recent experience in Germany. Our very American greeting is just that--a greeting (it's 'phatic', i.e., language used for general purposes of social interaction).

Reframe!

However, imagine reframing this greeting by turning it into a genuine question of well-being! What does this do for your leadership with your people when you stop to show an interest in how someone is "doing"? Famed psychologist, B.F. Skinner, said it like this, The feeling of being interested can act as a kind of neurological signal, directing us to fruitful areas of inquiry. Taking the time to engage, hear the answer, and perhaps even digging deeply enough to get a real response, goes to great lengths to living out life-giving leadership. How?

1. The other person feels seen and/or heard. Roughly 25% of American adults believe they have no emotional or social support. Stopping to hear the answer to this one ubiquitous question can begin the process of building support.

   
   

2. A more authentic relationship can be started. Once the other person recognizes that you are actually listening, a sincere exchange can begin that goes beyond the shallowness of many interactions. You might learn more about the person's animals, relationships, struggles, victories, needs, etc.

   
   

3. Shaping the culture of an organization begins with stopping to hear. When the other person, especially as a subordinate, feels seen and heard, the idea begins to spread that the boss actually cares! This engenders a culture of loyalty and openness and keeps the leader from feeling like a mushroom (i.e., kept in the dark and fed manure).

Conclusion

Our culture throws out "How ya doing?" so casually. Generally, an answer is neither expected nor given, outside of the standard, "I'm doing great. How about you?" However, leaders looking to bring life into their organizations can turn this flippant greeting into a moment of connection and authenticity. Challenge the status quo. Reiterate the question. Wait for the answer. Dig a little deeper. Even go so far as to ask, "So, what is making this a great day for you?" You'll be surprised at the kind of answers you get and the community that can be built!

Reflection

1. What is your favorite greeting?

2. What are some other cultural connection points we tend to gloss over?

3. How can you reframe the mundane in your office?