When the SHINE is gone!

“My serenity is inversely proportional to my expectations. The higher my expectations of other people are, the lower is my serenity. I can watch my serenity level rise when I discard my expectations" (AA Thoughts for the Day).

New Shoes

I remember in grade school the excitement of wearing a new pair of shoes to school. Back in the day, they were always bright white, and I took extra care to keep them clean. Ninja-like, I ducked, swerved, dodged, pirouetted, dipped, and did whatever I could to avoid dirt, grime, and friends who targeted my shoes. I guarded the purity of my shoes with my life! They were the special shoes; upon my arrival home, I took them off and placed them on a pedestal with a spotlight, where I could admire them until the very next day. Okay, there is a little hyperbole, but this is pretty close! Don't lie ... you did it too.

And then it happened--the first black mark appeared, and from that point on, the shine rapidly faded, and soon enough, in the garbage they went, and the cycle repeated itself with the next BRAND-NEW SHOES (which, of course, made me run faster than the previous, discarded pair!).

Unrealistic Expectations

It seems silly now, to put those kinds of high expectations on a new pair of shoes. Unless they were kept in the box or put on a shelf or otherwise placed out of the way, they were never going to stay pristine. What's interesting, though, is that we tend to do the same with people and institutions. I hear it all the time.

• "I can't attend church. Those are a bunch of hypocrites."

• "It's time to get out of the Air Force. This last assignment allowed me to see behind the curtain and see what really goes on."

• "I can't support an organization that allows people who act like that to be in key positions."

• "He should know what I'm thinking already!"

• "She should know that I told her once that I love her and I will let her know if it changes."

These unrealistic expectations inevitably lead to disappointment and frustration, among other negative emotions. So, what brings them on? Unrealistic expectations (and the consequent heartbreak) come from idealized notions and poor communication.

Idealized Notions

These arise when we hold a person or institution to a set of notions or perceptions that are the ideal and do not allow for failure, mistakes, and so on. The Air Force spouts a set of Core Values: Integrity, Service Before Self, and Excellence in all We Do. Assuming that every Air Force member or every Air Force policy will meet those Core Values is an idealized notion. My wife is a beautiful woman and I would be lost without her. However, lifting her up as a person who never has body odor and will never disappoint me is holding her to an idealized notion. Ideals do not equal reality. Ideals are something to which we strive but often fail to achieve.

Poor Communication

Simply put, staying in my own thought bubble and not expressing my expectations or allowing the person or institution to express theirs will cause the luster to fade quickly. The only method to avoid unrealistic expectations is to communicate what you and the other person are expecting.

What's the fix?

1. Recognize what YOUR expectations are about the situation, the person, the institution, etc.

2. Contemplate WHY you have those expectations.

3. Understand the lay of the land. What does the evidence say about the reality of your expectations?

   
   

2. Adjust expectations to meet the reality (grieve, if necessary).

3. Allow room for you and the other person to grow.

Conclusion

I am an extrovert. I do not understand others who do not enjoy people and social situations as much as I do! Recently, my team put together a holiday party. Naturally, I expect that people WANT to come and they WANT to have a good time and they do not WANT to miss such a fabulous event! Every year, I have these high expectations. Every year, I am severely disappointed as I fail to recognize that some simply do not enjoy these social situations as much as I do. Every year, I have to manage my expectations, or I become very hurt. And every year, I have to remind myself that “My serenity is inversely proportional to my expectations. The higher my expectations of other people are, the lower is my serenity. I can watch my serenity level rise when I discard my expectations" (AA Thoughts for the Day).

Reflect

1. When have you experienced a loss of luster with a person or institution?

2. How did you handle that event?

3. In what ways were you able to grow from this experience?