"The unexamined life is not worth living" (Aristotle).
“The best of times and the worst of times”
The early thirties for us were years of change, new experiences, and settling into the rhythm of adulthood. We owned our first home together and filled it with two beautiful daughters, teens from my youth group, and a circle of friends. I had my first job on a church staff. We truly submersed ourselves into adulting.
This was also a time of great personal growth. Marriage stretched me in ways unimagined when I had proposed a scant seven years earlier. Fatherhood exploded most preconceptions of parenting and forced me to confront my idiosyncrasies daily. Leading a group of fifty teenagers and several adult volunteers taught me much of what I know about leadership today! And the coup de grace was being fired after five years. In the end, I found myself developing a profile of one Kraig A. Smith, and I continue to add to this profile even now, reaching back to remember my core values and ethics and who I am as a person.
"Mirror, mirror on the wall"
Building this profile has enabled me to say “No” to jobs and opportunities that I knew would be a horrible fit for me. It has also given me permission to approach other opportunities in ways more uniquely suited to who I am. For instance, I am an extrovert, and highly so! Therefore, workplaces that are isolated from people, cut off from the outside, and confining will have me in a straitjacket. Also, I am a collaborator by nature. I work best within a team where we all work together. I can go Lone Ranger for a bit, but that kind of individualism is simply not a part of my DNA. Building such a profile requires three basic tools:
1. Curiosity about self and others;
2. Capturing insights gained;
3. Contemplating those insights (Do they teach, rebuke, correct, train, or reveal?).
“Take three of these and call me in the morning”
Curiosity
Curiosity about self and others is the starting line for the fantastic journey of building a profile. It's really pausing to wonder about the things you do, the words you say, etc. For instance, one day, as I am wont to do, I was aggravating my wife. As she began to get really wound up, I had an epiphany, a moment of great clarity. I'm a jerk. I realized that I found great joy in winding her up to the point of anger and then asking her these questions: "What is your problem today? Why are you so angry?" and sitting back and watching her kind of explode. The next question, after confessing and apologizing, was "Why?" To be honest, I think I simply enjoyed the self-righteousness that came from that. Again, I'm a jerk sometimes.
Here are some start-up questions, in case you are having trouble:
When you put on pants, do you zip up first or button up first?
When you eat meat, do you turn the fork over to hold the meat and then put the piece in your mouth, or do you hold the fork right-side up to put the piece in? Why?
Should the toilet paper roll be hung so it rolls from the front or the back? What's behind that?
Do you enjoy the taste of cilantro? If not, did you know that a certain percentage of the population think it tastes like soap?
Should underwear be folded or just tossed in a drawer?
What does making your bed in the morning (or not) say about you as a person?
Developing that curiosity allows you to understand yourself better, to see yourself (and others) in a new light, to identify biases and incorrect thinking, and a whole host of other things. Here's one last revelation I had. I always told my children to clean their plates because there are starving children in Africa who would like to have that food. Why Africa? I am a product of the 1980's, when Americans were inundated with pictures of the famine in Ethiopia. We Are the World was created in order to raise money. Starving children = Africa, right? A friend of mine from East Africa was very upset at me for using that phrase. She rightly reminded me that 1) there is more to Africa than starving children, and 2) people starve in America, as well, but that is not the first thing that comes to my mind, is it? From this I gained the insight that my verbiage perpetuated a one-dimensional view of an entire continent!
Capture
It's easy enough to ask the questions and to be curious. But what comes after that? Do we merely stuff those insights and lessons learned into the various nooks and crannies of our minds? That is a first step. However, effective profile-building requires more concrete methods so that these insights may be accurately referenced later. I am typing this into a section of Microsoft OneNote, which I use to capture my profile, my prayer journal, Bible study notes, leadership tips, thoughts about my various assignments, and so on. I've used pen-and-paper to journal; I've written poems and songs; I've posted on Facebook; there are a myriad of ways to capture concretely curious questionings.
The point is, building a profile requires one spot for collecting the bits and pieces. This allows you to go back, build on, add to, and contemplate, which happens to be the third tool!
Contemplate
Reflection without contemplation is useless. It's much like looking in the mirror to check your hair and then not making any corrections afterwards! The Apostle James writes this, "But be sure you live out the message and do not merely listen to it and so deceive yourselves. For if someone merely listens to the message and does not live it out, he is like someone who gazes at his own face in the mirror ... And then goes out and immediately forgets what sort of person he was" (James 1:22-24, NET). While the Apostle speaks of the impact of God's Word on a person, the principle applies. Not taking the time to contemplate the person you are revealed to be is a waste of time. The Apostle Paul gives us four potential areas to think about (2 Timothy 3:16) . Does what we have learned teach us something about ourselves or others? Does it rebuke our thoughts in some way? Does it correct an action? Does it train us in a new pathway? I'll add a fifth one--does it reveal something about us not previously realized?
"Let me explain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up."
Profiles based on self-reflection and added to and consulted regularly become a living, breathing mirror of growth and maturity. As author Cheryl Strayed wrote, "The mirror reveals our unique journey, reminding us of the experiences that shaped us into who we are."
Reflect
How have you built a profile of your inner self?
Where do you capture insights?
How did you answer the six questions posed?
