Talkin’ to myself?!

Learning to escape the death spiral in your mind.

Seventh-grade wisdom

As a seventh-grader, I was wise beyond my years, but my wisdom was not always appreciated! For instance, the summer I stayed with my grandparents, Grandma fell down in the garden and broke her arm. As we drove the 30 minutes to the hospital, I lovingly spoke words of wisdom beyond my years into my hurting grandmother’s ear:

• "Just don't think about it and it won't hurt!"

• "Grandma, look at the beautiful flowers."

• "Grandma, this won't hurt for long. Seriously, just don't think about it."

  
  

I'm sure you can imagine Grandma's reaction--"Kraig, will you just shut up!" Like I said, my wisdom was not always appreciated ... LOL!

Self-talk

Likewise, our internal selves will speak “words of wisdom,” and those words will impact us negatively or positively. A necessary tool can be, “Shut up”! This internal dialogue that we each have is called self-talk, and the scientific definition is, "... the systematic use of cue words in a silent or vocalized dialog with one's self" (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8295361/). Self-talk is useful in motivating us, reminding us of obstacles, and sometimes in providing the only intellectual conversation around! Self-talk can also be useful for paralyzing us with self-doubt, dragging us into an abyss of despair, or even hyping us up beyond our abilities.

I first became aware of the impact of self-talk at 20 years of age while grieving my father's death. He had passed away two years earlier and I could not move beyond my grief. This was most noticeable in my relationship with the Almighty. As a matter of fact, my spiritual life was trashed; God seemed either non-existent or non-caring. I was at the beginning of what Christian theologians call "the dark night of the soul." While attending a conference, I stumbled upon this book--The Hidden Rift With God. My life literally changed as I read about self-talk and the impact upon my psyche it was having. I discovered that I was telling myself lies about God--"He is hateful for taking my dad"; "He is unloving"; "He is not a good God"--that were at odds with what I truly knew about Him and that was messing with my mind.

I have heard that same negative voice in other areas of my life. For instance, today I caught myself saying things like, "You are having no impact here" or "Nobody really cares about what you do." In fact, I have verbal confirmation that neither of those statements are true, yet, I was caught in that fatal loop of negative self-talk.

Getting a handle on it

How do you combat that negative self-talk? Research shows several ways. Foremost is recognizing that the loop of negativity has begun! That requires some mindfulness and the time to work through your thoughts with journaling, the wisdom of others, and so on. Here are some sample questions to ask:

     "Am I really a horrible person who has no skills?"

     "Am I truly incompetent at everything?"

     "Are people honestly making fun of me right now?"

After recognizing that negative loop, it's time to break the loop. Pilots know this loop all too well. When a pilot has lost all control of the aircraft, it can enter into a spin. Unless that pilot regains orientation and then control, death is almost assured. This negative loop acts in mich the same way. It is disorienting; it fosters a lack of control; it can result in death. Breaking this loop requires objectivity, solid reasoning, and often wise counsel from your community. A question I have used on myself and others is, “So, you alone are responsible for all that is wrong in the world, is that correct?” The absurdity of that question often jolts the person out of the all-consuming quicksand of negative emotions and allows him or her to reach out for a helping hand. It’s the equivalent of Wesley diving in after Princess Buttercup (see The Princess Bride—seriously, go watch it if you don’t get the reference!).

Third, then, is to replace that negativity with truth. There are two ways to do this. Perhaps your inner voice is correct, and you DID mess something up. Okay, how can you learn from it and put in boundaries to keep it from happening again? Usually, however, and aside from those few instances where the negativity has reality, you can point out instances where you did show skills or competence or where you realized no one was actually paying any attention to you. If you can't point out the areas where you've succeeded, your friend-group can. Once you've recognized and broken the loop, then replace the negative thoughts with truth. There, now you’ve recovered and can move on.

Summary

1. We have to recognize that we all have an internal dialogue, which often becomes uber-negative and paralyzes us.

2. Break the loop!

3. That negative loop can then be replaced with truth (I recommend you couple truth with a little grace and mercy, as well). Sources of truth can be:

   1. Trusted friends or family,

   2. Scripture,

   3. Personal experience

Reflect

1. Are the negative thoughts in your head paralyzing?

2. Is your negative thought-loop completely true?

3. Whom can you talk this out with? Who will speak truth into your life?

4. What truth can you use to replace those negative thoughts?